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George A Romero, Minister Sahaf and Hollywood FC


The faces were joyous, the chanting triumphant. “Ole, Ole, Ole,” bravoed Marca. “Madrid skewered Manchester like bullfighters.” AS was just as jubilant. “Zidane and Raul were sublime, Beckham just handsome,” it scoffed. Meanwhile, as the Fiver – dressed only in a paella-stained Sombrero – traipsed boozily across the Plaza Mayor, we bumped into a shell-shocked Gary Neville. “People will say we paid them too much respect and we were nervous but sometimes it’s not about that,” he jibbered, his face whiter than an extra in George A Romero’s Dead Trilogy. “They were passing it about and we couldn’t get near them. It was like facing the Harlem Globetrotters at times.”

Indeed it was – except it wasn’t basketball. But, unlike Saddam Hussein in Baghdad, caution soon reared its head in the Spanish capital. As Marca sagely pointed out, “the White Angels made the Red Devils dance but left them alive” – a line quickly repeated by Real’s funkadelic footballers. “We deserved the win but the result is not definitive, with the second leg in mind,” the ring-kissing Raul conceded. “It was a real shame that we let them score.” Zinedine Zidane, who last night produced more tricks than a Paul Daniels Christmas special, agreed. “We may not win the second leg but we will be doing everything to score,” he promised. “That will leave Manchester having to score four to knock us out.”

Back in Blighty, meanwhile, wounds were being licked and vengeance sworn. “Give credit to Real Madrid, let’s not kid ourselves, they are a top team,” Roy Keane swooned like a fluttery-eyed schoolboy. “Some of the players they have are world-class. And they have proved that over the years.” But soon Royston’s win-at-all-costs mind was being refocused. “There is no doubt, it’s the biggest challenge this team will ever face,” he told United’s official website, sharpening his studs. “It would be the biggest win ever. But that is what football is all about. People will expect us to go out so there is nothing to lose.” Indeed not. Except perhaps another trophy, eh Roy?

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When the end finally arrived after several months of uncertainty, it was swift, it was best ideas about canada goose outlet online on pinterest clinical, and it was beamed live across the world to a disbelieving global audience. The struggle was over, and the supposed villain of the piece was nowhere to be seen amongst the rubble and ruin. But this, as if you hadn’t already guessed, was not Baghdad, but West Ham United where today, after berlin film festival ends canada goose jacket sponsorship amid months of misery and pain, Frederic Kanoute finally quit the Hammers. Oh, and for good measure, he did it live on TV, no less.

“Enough is enough,” stropped the sulky striker, having finally located the end of his tether after a season spent hobbling and picking splinters from his bony buttocks. “I have worked hard to get back to fitness after a frustrating season. Now I am fit, I am not getting a game so I have decided that my future lies elsewhere.” Unless Glenn Roeder happened to be watching Sky best fake canada goose jacket Sports News when Kanoute dropped his little bombshell, it will also be news to the tart-faced tactician. “I have made this decision whether West Ham are relegated are not,” grumped Fredi.

But conflicts, as the hapless Minister Sahaf will tell you, are full of disinformation, and Kanoute’s war of wills with Roeder is no different. “Who said this? My face is not seen so it is not true,” he backtracked furiously on the club’s official website just two hours later. “I haven’t said I want to leave and I don’t talk any more to anyone except the West Ham website and mine, so I can’t say that – I haven’t spoken to Sky so it can’t be true.” All that matters to poor, misunderstood Fredi, he claims, is the football. “I just want to play and we will see what happens in the summer.” What with Fredi and Paolo on board, we can now fully understand why Glenn Roeder wears that pained scowl all the time.

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“The Bernabeu crowd is a like a woman. You have to win her over anew each day” – Ladies, meet Swiss Ronaldo.

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“I’m only 33 and don’t think it’s yet appropriate to write my memoirs. But I could consider writing a guide on Munich’s nightlife!” That was Mary Shelley’s Oliver Kahn yesterday, enjoying a little joke about cheating on his pregnant missus with a Munich barmaid. The cad. Unfortunately, his club are no better. Found guilty of having ‘a bit on the side’ themselves, Bayern Munich today refused to admit any wrongdoing. What’s more, they even threatened to leave home in order to chase a bit of Italian skirt.

Having hired the best private investigators in the business, the Deutsche Football League (DFL) caught the Bavarian baddies red-handed. On top of the TV money allotted fairly to all clubs last season through central marketing, the Munich media whores were exposed helping themselves to an extra £14.8m in a secret relationship with the busty KirchMedia group. The now bust KirchMedia group. In going into administration, the company did the dirty on all the smaller clubs, leaving them up the spout with nowt. Sound familiar?

Having been publicly exposed, you’d think the filthy cheats would have the good grace to come clean and accept what’s coming to them. After all, with Bayern 14 points clear at the top of the table, having a few points docked by the DFL is hardly going to hurt. But no – this is the team known in Germany as Hollywood FC. “If there is a verdict that we cannot accept, the consequence would be that we would pull out of all bodies (ruling German football)!” spat chairman Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, while stamping both feet.

When asked what the club would do if asked to repay the cash, club rent-a-quote Franz Beckenbauer exclaimed: “Then the Bundesliga will have to see how they go without us! We’ll join the league in Italy and play against Milan and Rome!” Ah, come on fellas, just accept the token punishment. You’ll still win the league. “We will not accept a points deduction,” ranted Rummenigge. “That’s a question of principle.” Er no Karl, that’s the DFL’s line.

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Portsmouth and Birmingham want Roma defender Saliou Lassissi.

Southampton and West Ham are both best ideas about canada goose parka on pinterest trailing Lens forward Olivier Thomert.

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NEWS can you wash a canada goose jacket in the washer IN BRIEF

Hugh Roberts has quit his post as chief executive of crisis-hit Sunderland as the board warned of ‘painful’ cuts ahead. “This season has been one of the most disappointing in our recent history vest,” chairman Bryan Sanderson said. “Painful restructuring will be needed on both the playing and non-playing side of the business but we are determined to take tough decisions.”

Newcastle midfielder Gary Speed could miss the rest of the season due to a continuing hernia problem.

Birmingham City midfielder Aliou Cisse has booked into a specialist clinic in France black friday can you machine wash canada goose jacket 2013 canada goose sale to try and find a solution to his mystery ankle injury.

Glenn Hoddle has been assured he will be given the backing of the Tottenham board to strengthen his squad this summer. Chairman Daniel Levy indicated there would now be a substantial transfer kitty to dip into. “This summer, best fake canada goose jacket we intend to strengthen and add depth to the squad in preparation for next season,” he promised.

Blackburn Rovers have refuted claims they have opened contract negotiations with Barcelona defender Frank de Boer.

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ITV1: Big Cup Highlights (11.45pm) Tom Paternoster is getting married in June, but he and buy canada goose jacket cheap his other half Charlotte are stumped for a first song. Like a fool, he yesterday left it up to you to decide what that special, forever-cherished tune should be.

Channel 4: Football Wives: 50 Years of Soccer Romance (1.15am) “We promise to dance to the most popular suggestion, and we’ll take pix so people can see how happy/miserable it has made us,” vowed the mug. So let’s see.

Sky Sports 1: FA Cup Classics: Semi-finals (6.30pm) “I’ve always been very fond of Hell Is Round The Corner by Tricky,” writes Ian Kay, “or Moby’s Everything Is Wrong.” And that appears to be our musical theme.

Futbol Mundial (7pm) “It has to be the Iron Maiden classic Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter,” roars cock-rocker Gareth Mytton. As an alternative, he throws Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom into the ring, citing the touching “My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/ I’m gonna sink her with my pink torpedo” couplet as the clincher.

Live Ford Scottish Football: Rangers v Dunfermline (7.30pm & 12.30am) “How about Black Theme Part II by The Fall?” suggests Jonathan Holford, clearing his throat. “It goes: ‘I hate you you you you you you you you you you you you, baby/ Because you make me hate you you you you you you you you you you you you, baby/ You maladjusted little monkey, you.'”

You’re On Sky Sports (10pm & 2.30am) “My wife and I entered our reception to the strains of Elvis singing Suspicious Minds,” recalls Phillip Rigby, black canada goose parka fondly. “It was worth it alone for the look on my mother-in-law’s face when she heard the opening line, and it got better when the priest later stood up to speak and George Michael’s I Want Your Sex inadvertently boomed out of the tape player.”

Radio 5 Live: Sport on 5 with Ian Payne (7pm) “I can’t remember who sang it,” begins AM Bowles, who tries to cover his tracks by signing off ‘Mr Cheese’, “but there is an old country record called If I Had Shot You When I Met You I’d Be Out Of Jail By Now. That should go down a treat, surely.”

TalkSport: Football First (7pm) And finally, the Fiver would like to distance itself from the overwhelming favourite thus far: Smack My Bitch Up by the Prodigy. “A sly wink to the bride’s father over her shoulder while dancing should start the kind of ruckus only normally seen at Irish weddings,” reckons Gary Humphrey.

Newstalk 106: Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm) Though we have more suggestions than we know what to do with, we want more. Send them to the.boss@theguardian.com and we’ll continue to do our best to ruin Tom and Charlotte’s big day.

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